Truths that are lies
by ShadowDianne
Summary: There are too many things that we don't say when we think that we are going to have all the time in the world. Post Jane jumping off the bridge. (A prompt from Awesome23)


**A/N Well, it has been…. Mmmh… Actually I think that I haven't even posted anything Rizzles relatable on this page (in other yes but not in ) so it's kind of exciting to do it.**

**This is a prompt that Awesome23 has asked earlier this day so I really hope to have achieved what they wanted, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

The truths that were lies

There are too many things that we don't say when we think that we are going to have all the time in the world. There are things that we even lie about or mock about because we think that we are strong enough to wait for better times. There are things that we say and we hate ourselves for saying them but we don't take them back because a simple "I'm sorry" can always be said later.

And then, when you realize that time is what we don't have is already too late and the words that we haven't said and the lies and hurtful words that we have actually said come back to us and ask us if we still think that there is time to make everything better.

And then, as the water hits you and you try to make yourself float for a little more with an almost lifeless man at your side and needles and pins are tearing apart your muscles from your bones you realize that you need to say sorry to the people that you keep taking for granted.

Like Maura.

Maura, who has been attentive even after all this time, who has endured your quirks, your bad temper, your whines and grunts, your lack of patient and your rudeness. Because you know that you have been rude. You have been rude when she needed you and you kept talking about Cassie, you have been rude every time you have mocked at her own quickness, you haven't been a good friend even when she had been the best.

The waves are too strong and the current is making both of you swim backwards, Paul has started trembling a few hours before and you already can feel your teeth chattering. The cold has turned out to be more bearable once you had hit some sort of warmer current and you are glad of it but as both of you have long detected the strong current is making your efforts almost titanic.

At first, when you finally grabbed Paul's hand and commanded him to swim with all that he got you believed that you were going to be able to reach something that you could hold too. You thought that it was going to be matter of minutes, a few hours maybe, to rescue both of you from the cold water. But as it seems remorse is not the only thing which you are good at. There is also delusion.

You asked Paul to talk when you found a buoy after the first two or three hours, you eventually managed to make a plan and left the floating device behind but the current made everything harder that the water in which you swam when you were little and Paul, being the lovesick man that you have managed to decipher, talked about the many times and many moments that he saw how completely in love he was with his girlfriend. You think to take back your command but you know that if Paul keeps talking then both of you will be conscious for a little while, just the time frame you need to come up with a real plan. But the minutes pass and you are freezing to death with a mumbling man and Maura's name and face engraved in your brain.

Because you need to say that you are sorry, because you need to ask for forgiveness, for a hug, for another shared moment in the stairs, or in the elevator. Or maybe the only thing you need to do is see her smile one more time and laugh with her and be simple, just you like you were before you developed feelings for her and you thought that the best thing was hide them being the brat that you were when you were a teenager and you had a crush over that girl that you have forgotten her name.

However, more hours pass and the chattering teeth are long gone even if you wish to take them back because you are now trembling and spluttering every few seconds while you are trying to keep floating. The islands are still there, somewhere, and the city is also there; in the horizon but everything seems too small and the only thing that it's real is the water, Paul's weight at your side and Maura's image. Maura, who is probably worried about you and had already seen your almost- dead-but-not-quite act several times because of your way of doing things; quickly, recklessly. And maybe you can't change that but you can see her once again before melting in this endless sea.

A part of you wonder what would be the best way to apologize to her, maybe even telling that you love her, that you have been loving her and you don't plan to stopping even if she ends up married with Jack. Although you would be jealous, extremely jealous.

And as you keep swimming and you fight because you don't exactly know what defeat really means you realize that the sun is rising and you smile a little because the water is already less dark and hollow and Paul himself is swimming a little better right now. The first sunbeams touch the water and although you know that it's not exactly how it works you can already feel warmer and safer.

It takes a few more hours to be spotted by a boat and a few more to arrive at Boston once again but even after drinking all the not-salted water that you are able to and even after talking with Paul over and over again about how you are going to help him Maura's face is still in your brain and so, when you see her, gorgeous and fierce and beautiful the only thing you can do is not to hug her first because you will kneel before her and destroy whatever strength you have left. And you are the oldest sibling of your family; you are the one that was there when your mother wasn't happy when both of your parents screamed at each other. Even if you didn't understand what that meant and you didn't see it until every part of the divorce started to come out you were already the girl who was strong in front of her brothers because you needed to be. And so you steel yourself, even when Maura turns and leaves.

And then you are not trying to keep floating in ice-cold waters but you still feel like drowning because every time you see her after you return back to the precinct you keep doing the same thing and it looks like you haven't really understand anything. And it would be easy to tell her that yes, when you jumped you didn't think but after you hit the water the only think you could think off was her face. But it's too easy and you can't so you let the moment pass as you wish that you could actually be the strong woman that you keep thinking you are but aren't.

So when you finally catch Paul's wife and you enter in Maura's house and see how much effort she has already put in the dinner even if you aren't allowed to try anything yet because you know how Maura is and there is still something else to do you are already thinking of what you could say to make Maura see that you are stronger, better, that you have actually changed somehow, maybe that you love her even if you are not going to say her that because she deserves someone who can give her stability like Jack does and not death experiences and cold water like you do. Or serial killers.

And the opportunity presents itself when she gives you her bucket list and you see that she is really the friend you aren't because you only think about yourself and you are already falling on old patterns but you want to try and then, when you could have mocked her sweet touch instead of doing what you would want to do (that involves kissing and hugging or merely being truthful with her) you opt for a third solution and merely say that you would want to make things together even if you don't know where most of the places and names she has written down are but who cares because she is smiling and giggling and laughing and you aren't that bad friend after all.

And so, as she keeps talking and you try to fix the kitchen thingy, as you have named it, you make yourself the promise that you are going to show her that she is important for you, that she is important for everyone, that she is amazing just being herself and being able to recite every single book that she had ever read.


End file.
